Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
I have always been the one to break my own heart. Or Josh has. But mostly me.
You’ve grown up since last year. I don’t know how you did it, or what made it happen but you did. You don’t pick fights over things anymore. If things bother you, you talk about it with him or try to let it go, you make it work. That’s what relationships are. You have to work at it sometimes. It wasn’t all your fault, it was his too. But you’ve both grown and learned how to deal with each other. It’s fantastic and I’m proud. Thanks for breaking my heart, it was the only way I was going to learn. It was the only way to make myself stand back and say “This isn’t what I want at all. I want to make it work”. There are always going to be bumps in the road where you feel like you’re going to split into a million pieces but things will work out. They always have! :)
Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
He cheats on you. He lies to you. He treats you like complete crap. Yes, sometimes he treats you nice, but the good things do not outweigh the bad. You’ve got to be in it for the sex or something because you’re basically mentally abusing yourself by staying in a relationship with him. You don’t deserve it at all. I wish you could see it but your confidence must be pretty shot. I just don’t know why you would stay with someone who doesn’t fully want you. That’s all.
I don’t really have anyone else that I would want to be. I mean of course I could do a celebrity because they have a cool job and get paid really well… and have make up artists and get amazing outfits for free… BUT that’s not practical at all. And quite frankly, I think they have a whole slew of different problems that I don’t really want so I’m just going to write kind of to myself but an updated version that I don’t quite know.
Dear updated version of Holly,
You are fearless. You can go out there and not have doubts to weigh you down. You don’t have mental meltdowns when you have to go to interviews, or meet with advisers. You aren’t a jealous person. You are so headstrong that you know everything will go right and don’t worry as much as the regular Holly. You are more outgoing when you need to be and more quiet before people are sick of hearing you talk. Your hair isn’t frizzy, your toes aren’t curly, you don’t have this gut that won’t seem to go away and you’re 5’7 so you can see a little better at concerts. You know exactly what you want to do with your life and you make sure that you get there in due time. You aren’t persistent. I’m jealous of you. I don’t know how you do it but you do. You’re everything I wish I could be.
I just wanted to say thank you. Thanks for taking part in creating such a fun childhood. I believe we met when I was in second grade. You always defended me when I didn’t have enough courage to do it myself. You always had my back. Whenever I needed to vent to someone I could come to you and you would listen and of course give advice. You would tell me that I was a good person and didn’t deserve to be treated like crap. Even way back when I was in elementary school. That’s when it all started. You always told me that I needed to have a backbone. You still do. I remember when I wasn’t allowed to have boys in the house when my parents weren’t home… so we brought the television outside so you could watch it with me. ahaha I remember coming down to your house and watching you guys play basketball or football. I rarely played but I watched a lot. We would bring the radio out. I remember how you weren’t supposed to have people the house but Jimmy and I would sneak in. You guys would sneak us out the back door. One time we got in trouble. I remember playing kick the can super late. That was the best. We played down by my house and then down at yours sometimes. Your stinkin’ motion light would come on though. I remember when we played over by my house and there was a REALLY loud noise that scared the HECK out of me. I seriously got scared because I had heard a scary news story earlier. I started like shaking and you put an arm around me and said it was going to be fine. I remember walking back to my house SUPER late at night by myself and then you came and scared me to death. Goodness. I was mad and still get scared because of that. You felt bad and hugged me though. Remember when you made me jump off of your boat and I broke my ankle? Thanks for that. haha You always say you feel bad, so it’s fine. I remember helping you and Nick set up your christmas tree one year. That was fun. I remember going to the beach with your family one summer. You taught me how to skip rocks across the water. You told me cullen was going with and I would make comments about how he was cute and you could get really mad. haha I remember you took me to a pizza place one time after the beach. SPEAKING OF PIZZA. I remember you calling to order pizza one summer when we were all younger. You were flirting with the pizza lady on the phone and we were all laughing SO hard. It was hilarious. “I’d like.. well, some bread, some tomato sauce, some cheese and pepperoni” We laughed for forever then put our money together to get a pizza for lunch on a summer day. I remember going to watch you play football, I believe your seventh grade year. That was fun. You weren’t that great. haha But it was still a lot of fun. I remember when I tried to dye my hair blonde and it came out BRIGHT orange and I ran down to show you guys and your mom was like “oh honey what did you do to your hair?!!” It was great and terrible. I remember playing video games at Brendens house. We always played 007. I remember calling you crying because Josh and I got into a huge fight. I came to your house and talked to you about it. You told me what I needed to hear and I felt better. I remember going to your open house when you graduated. It feels like so long ago. When you came to MY graduation party, you flirted with my grandma for a good two hours. ha Goodness. I thought it was great that when you and I were both in crappy situations at the same time, we watched movies until five in the morning and talked to help each other out/catch up. Overall, you’ve just been a great friend. You have never let me down. You’ve always been there to give advice and I’m sorry if I don’t TAKE that advice, but…I still appreciate it all the same. I’m happy and I’m glad that you’re happy! You’re doing great things. You’ve grown up to be a fantastic person. I can just imagine how many great things you are going to accomplish.
I just wrote about the person who isn’t in my state. Whatever. Josh is out of town, I guess that works.
heyyyy. Have fun with Ty in the mountains. Don’t get gay on me. Or eaten by a bear. Or fall off of Mount Rushmore. I’m excited to see the fireworks Saturday. Hopefully you make it back on time! This isn’t sentimental but whatever. haha Love ya.
Nothing against the gay community. He’s just my boyfriend and I want to keep him that way. haha Yeah. I already wrote one to him so I didn’t have much to say. oh well.
I don’t like that these are all “missing ones people” or… “people you’ve drifted from”
I don’t exactly miss people a whole lot. I mean, of course I miss people but not anyone exacty more than another.
The last time I saw you was…. Last summer. I hope to come visit this summer! You’re an awesome aunt. You’re so full of life and always have things to say. You give really good advice and you’re super good at listening. You like to go out with friends but you also like to lounge and watch movies. I like that because I’m the same way! I don’t know. The point is that I miss you and…. Yes that’s all.
I feel like you’re someone that I could trust completely. Sometimes I’ll be honest, I felt judged but besides that… I felt that I could trust. We’ve drifted away from eachother. I suppose it was obviously going to happen. We’re are pretty much the same person but we have two completely different lives! It’s alright. It’s life. You’re happy (I believe). I’m happy. We’re great! This was bound to happen.
I really don’t have anyone that I need to forgive me. The only person I can think of has forgiven me, I think. I don’t know. Anyway, I still want to write something so I’ll write it anyway.
I wanted you to forgive me more than anything in the world. I’m not kidding, anything. I felt like there was no more reason to move until you were fine with me again. I still beat myself up over it. I think I just FINALLY came to the realization that I’m a human being about eight months ago. I made a huge mistake! I still regret it. I know people say “Live with no regrets” yada yada. Well I regret it. I wish I could take it back and it makes me upset just to think about it. I think that you have forgiven me, I really do. At least I hope so. I suppose what matters is that you still love me with all of your heart.
Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
There really isn’t anyone I hate… and Josh is probably the one who has caused me the most pain overall, when we were doing bad. But obviously the good completely towers the bad. But… umm.. lets see…
You have your own life, your own friends, you can stick to it. My boyfriend will not be brought into your life no matter how much you want him to be. I mean, he might be a little bit but he will never play a big role in it. I’ve been with him for 8 years and if he wanted to be a part of that, he would have by now. I know it’s “cool” with you guys to sleep with lots of people, or have sex with someone else when you’re already in a relationship but that’s now how he and I run things. We know our own boundaries. We’ve talked about it before. We know that it’s NOT okay to cheat on each other or even put ourselves into situations where it might be tempted. We’re pretty crazy people sometimes but we have our heads on about that. We won’t be sucked into your game. I’m sure it’s all fun for you but you’re not getting anywhere. I’m not worried.
I just watched Toy Story 3. It was so sad. :( But all in all a great movie. It’s Disney, what else do you expect?!
Jazz Fest this weekend, I’m very excited. I just hope I feel better soon so I can go! I looove nights downtown. Last year Josh and I rode bikes, I hope we get to do that again. It’s far and strenuous but it’s fun.
My sister keeps blaming me for everything! If she gets a bruise, my mom will ask her what happened and she says “Hoyyie did it” PFFFT! I didn’t do it. Goodness child.
I have seriously been on my computer all day long. I should probably do something but I just don’t feel up to it. My dad’s band, Peach Tree Otis is playing at the fireworks this year! Its usually at Rice Field, but I don’t know whats going on this year. Exciteddddd.